Building safe connections: Considerations when deepening new relationships

People need people.

This is not a ground breaking revelation but especially since the COVID-19 pandemic it seems like loneliness, disconnection, and a lack of community have become more painful and more prevalent experiences than they had been in the past. Add in the increasing political divisiveness over the last few years (locally, nationally, and globally) and it makes a lot of sense that we are craving a sense of safety and closeness in our relationships when the world can feel so scary and uncertain.

Many folks are seeking out book clubs, crafting circles, recreational sports, volunteer organizations, gaming groups, activism efforts, and general social gatherings because they can be wonderful ways to meet new people. And they absolutely are. The environments created by these types of activities offer us ways to engage with others who share common interests and from that, relationships can develop into friendships. Over time, those connections can become more intimate, offering a sense of safety, belonging, and acceptance that many of us have a deep yearning to experience. 

Being a part of a meaningful community is such a vital facet of social self-care. However, being discerning about the people and places you invest your time, energy, and trust into is essential to these experience remaining nourishing rather than toxic. Just because someone or someplace tells you they are “a safe space” doesn’t mean they inherently are. Building intimacy and connection requires vulnerability and unfortunately, there are those who may use the trust you give them to hurt you and those around you. This can happen accidentally or intentionally, due to carelessness or maliciousness, in a single instance or as a pattern of behavior across people and situations. But when we are getting to know new communities and new people, we only start out with what we see, hear, and experience for ourselves. Even if they came with character references, we know there would be a bias in the ones that were shared and the ones conveniently omitted.

So as you are exploring new ways to grow your personal social support system, consider a few tips about how to engage in these spaces with intention and discernment. It takes time to really decide if someone or someplace is worthy of your trust, aligned with your values, and empowers you to be a more authentic version of yourself. While this list is in no way exhaustive, my hope is that it can serve as a loose guide for you to consider what healthy connections look like for you, at this particular moment in your life.

As always, please feel free to take what is helpful and leave what is not.

• Focus on establishing low-risk connections first—building relationships around shared interests, experiences, or values that are important to you but don’t require deep, personal disclosure.

• Observe how people handle conflicts and disagreements (as well as if there seems to be space for them to even occur), and notice how they speak about others when they aren’t present. We need to be able to communicate about things honestly and respectfully if trust is to be established.

• Recognize that the expectation of instant intimacy and vulnerability just because a group is identified as a “safe space” or any type of pressure when someone says “no” to something is often a red flag, not an indicator of trust and cohesiveness.

• Take the initiative to spend one-on-one time with people you are looking to get to know more deeply and invite them to join you in a variety of social environments.  People reveal different sides of themselves at different times and diversifying the experiences you have with someone can often offer a clearer picture to you of who they are.

• Honor your boundaries, especially around sensitive information pertaining to yourself, your family, and/or your life. It’s your responsibility to hold them and recognize if anyone pushes against them, taking action when necessary.

• Examine the balance of effort and energy in the relationship—consistent imbalance or significant unpredictability within the dynamic is important to take note of.

• Pay attention to episodes of extreme reactions, binary thinking, or overly judgmental attitudes, as these can limit emotional safety and create spaces where people feel excluded. 

• Listen to your internal responses before, during, and after interactions; if you notice undue anxiety, doubt, fear, insecurity, or uncertainty, consider how your nervous system might be picking up on information that’s important to consider within the larger picture of your experiences. 

• Over time, check how authentic you feel in the connection(s) and whether there’s space to express less popular thoughts, differing opinions, or challenging questions without relationship ruptures.

• Take your time forming your own opinions of people and spaces, while still hearing the perspectives offered by those you trust who may see things differently then you or could have information you don’t.

We have all experienced various relationship fractures and hopefully, have also experienced the beauty that deep, abiding connections can add to our lives. Being cautious does not mean being cynical and there is always space for one person's experience to be vastly different from another's... and they both can be true. The important thing is deciding what feels right for you as you seek to build secure, trusting, intimate relationships.

If you have any additional thoughts or perspectives that have been helpful to you as you have navigated building connections, please share below. We'd love to hear them.